Chasing feelings and finding inspiration

Can good enough be good enough?

I have lived life with high expectations and trying to meet the perceived expectations of others.  I wrestled with perfectionism and never quite being good enough.  With every accomplishment, I questioned what I could have done better and rarely stopped to celebrate or savior my victories.  Celebrating small or large wins was lost on me because I was too busy finding fault and judgment in what I could have done better.   I am still a work in progress.  Today I celebrate my victories and stick to the mantra of progress not perfection.  Being aware of my thought and behavior patterns is key in the pursuit of turning down the volume on them and creating new and healthier ways of thinking and feeling. 

Why tell you this?  I have committed myself to becoming the best coach I can be which means staying transparent, authentic and allowing myself to be just as vulnerable as I ask my clients to be.  It means living true to what I coach and not a "do as I say but NOT as I do".  I want my clients to explore their own stories and expectations.  Every single one of us is capable of creating change in ourselves.  The saying "it is what it is" needs to be abolished.

I feel like the brakes have been released on my life and all I can say is BRING IT ON!  Nothing beats living with a WOOOHOOOO attitude and feeling free.

A few weekends ago I had the opportunity to do a coaching seminar with Dax Moy and meet some amazing health professionals from the US and beyond.  We coached and were coached with the goal being to create clarity and find our own resolutions.  A few things really stood out for me.

For all our differences, every single one of the people I connected with struggled with high expectations and measuring themselves against other peoples success and/or perceived expectations of others.

DAMN.

It was like having a mirror held up in front of me. The absurdity of this thinking was not lost on me.  Why was it "normal" for me to think / feel this way, but sounded so flawed when it came out of someone else's mouth?

I have been struggling with slogans of "Just Do It", "Push Through", "Dig Deep", "Just One More Rep", "Drive Harder", "It's In You" for some time now.  These have become destructive messages in my life and feed my gremlins of high expectations and never good enough.  My focus over the past 18 months has been on taking care of myself  and no longer subscribing to the glorification of BUSY.

I have viewed my athletic mindset as a gift and pride myself on going that extra mile, lifting just a bit heavier and reaching for bigger goals in life and in business.  It is a gift I have paid forward to clients who struggle with keeping themselves small, and limiting their potential because not everyone struggles with the "Just Do It" mindset.  I believe many more run in the opposite direction and just getting up and moving is the challenge.  For some a  dash of this can be healthy, for me it had become destructive and was keeping me from feeling how I wanted to feel.  Even knowing this, the idea of letting go of this mindset, or at least turning down the volume and intensity, made me feel sad.  I would talk to my coach Keri Anne about my grief of having to reconcile this way of thinking and just wanting to go back to a time when it seemed healthy and powerful.  My drive and ambition had fuelled my success and at one time it was a healthy part of me.

Dax challenged us to ask  "How do you want to feel?"
The easiest way to get to this answer was to define exactly how I DIDN'T want to feel.

I have been feeling old, tired, broken and weak.  Resting is something I have to force myself to do and in the past have viewed as being "lazy". 

So how did I want to feel?
Youthful, energetic, fit and strong.

I had to get honest with myself about my athletic mindset.  This mindset was feeding exactly how I didn't want to feel.

I had to STOP DOING THE STUFF THAT CREATED THE OPPOSITE FEELINGS!

Every morning that I dragged my ass out of bed to squeeze in that early morning workout (because this is what I have always done and its what I "should" be doing) it contributed to me feeling tired.  The fix was found in taking a look at my schedule, being honest about what I could shuffle so I could plan my workouts later in the day. I also learned to be OK if I missed one or two or even three workouts.  I trust and have faith in my love of exercise and it will always bring me back to the gym.

How to not feel broken?
I need to check my ego and not try to out sprint (seriously I think Rudy has a turbo button hidden somewhere) or out lift someone KNOWING it would aggravate injuries and cause me pain.  Seriously, it was time for this coach to be a better coach to myself in the workout ring.  In doing less I could accomplish more.   Knowing when to pull back and trusting that I can find that fierce drive when it is really needed is imperative for my success moving forward.

How to not feel weak? 
This took a discussion with my coach Maki about what was reasonable and unreasonable expectations of myself.  I asked him to help me celebrate and recognize when I am making progress.  In my head I know that a 95lb push press is heavy but my athletic mindset always demands more and was disappointed that I couldn't squeeze out a few more reps or add one more plate.

The universe gave me my first chance to practise this new mindset with a Burpee Run challenge issued by Maki.  It was a timed run in a group setting (cue competitive and athletic gremlins). I was able to take a step back and stay conscious about what I needed to do. I choose to jog lightly (not sprint), do my best but NOT drive hard.  I aggravated an old injury (due to the sprinting episode trying to catch Rudy) so running spells nothing but pain for me.  I set my intention to just finish and let go of any expectations about where I would end up within the group and what my final time would be.  First, middle, or last I let it go and focused the accomplishment on just finishing.  The battle to stick to this mind set during my run was more challenging than the physical demand on my body.  My inner voices were loud, telling me I was doing a lame job and why was I  bothering doing it at all if I wasn't going to bring my 100% game.  Old mindsets die hard and this one did not want to go down without an epic battle.

The battle was worth it.

Not only did I finish, I finished with a great time and in the top 4.  I surprised myself that with less effort I was able to feel accomplished, strong, youthful and energetic.  My leg didn't hurt, I completed all 100 burpee's and for the first time I recognized what I am fully capable of. 

Pulling back helped me feel exactly how I wanted to feel. 

The moral of the story

Stop doing the shit in your life that takes you further away from how you want to feel.  Get honest with yourself about what you need to put down so you can pick up the things that ignite your inspiration. Stop living with the phrase "I should" and be kind to yourself.   Motivation is found outside of us and focuses on the number on the scale, how many workouts you should do or how many vegetables you should eat. It is born in quotes that tell us to "Just do it" and "sweat is fat crying".

Inspiration comes from inside your soul and is fueled by doing things that makes your spirit sing and makes you feel how you want to feel.  You don't need motivation when you are driven by inspiration.

Find how you want to feel and NEVER stop chasing those feelings.

~ Lisa


  





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