Expectations, inspiration and "not quite living".

 

Waiting for inspiration

 

 

 

I am a self proclaimed recovering perfectionist but the truth is I am incredibly hard on myself and my perfectionism looms large.  I set high expectations for myself and then beat myself up when I don’t meet them.  Ridiculous since no one is measuring my success or failure and no one is standing by to give me a high five or award me with a medal from Overachievers- Are-Us.  It seems that my recovery in this department still needs some work.  I have fallen back into my trap of “human doing” instead of “human being”. 

Prior to leaving on vacation I had set my sights on having time to write and reflect (so let’s just call a spade a spade… I made myself a vacation “to do” list) and found myself focused on what I should be doing, and my lack of inspiration about doing anything,  instead of focusing on what was really important.  Time with my family.  

Vacation is about REST, reconnection and play but I had done it again… set my expectations and then found myself frustrated, anxious, disconnected and feeling guilty that I couldn’t find my inspiration and passion to write (aka work).   All my focus has been on taking what I love to do and creating the life I want but I came to realize I had fallen into the trap of “I’ll be happy when…”.  Danielle Laporte posted a blog called “Your friends, your freedom and getting off your ass for love” that landed in my inbox, caught me off guard and slammed me into the present. 

 

My life, the life I want is happening RIGHT NOW.  I can write, teach, blog, love what I do but I need to do it in the present moment with the intent that life will continue to unfold just as it is meant to.  Taking time to unplug and get present is a bigger challenge for me than working to create my future, however all the moments, memories and the place my kids are at today will not wait for me to get ready or to create the perfect climate. 

 

Her quote that got me was “Not-quite living is an epidemic”… reading this I realized I had become part of this epidemic.

 

In the two days I had left at the lake I LIVED each moment with my family and made peace with myself by letting go of my expectations, perfectionism and the words “I should”.
 

Inspiration can’t be forced.  It shows up when you decide to LIVE because that’s where all inspiration comes from.

 

 ~L